I am too lazy to update my wishlist now, keke. i’ll continue it later.
Now i want to rant a little about myself. Lets be a narciss..LoL. Kidding.. I just watched some short video about Big Space Star Kim Hee Chul, that filmed before he started his duty in the army. Its about three points of his charm. I am kinda inspired and envy him. >o<
But there’s two thing that i always adore from him. Its his frankness and his ‘secretive’ well being (especially when he said that he loves the movie/manga character that silently nice, or the one which the kindness is unknown), its just wow.. Thats so great.. at least for me.
Talking about him, his way of talking sometime scaring me out or even make me pissed of (eventhough i am not the one who he’d been talking about.LoL. sound stupid ryt..haha), but deep of my head/my heart i always feel envy with that. Because for me, its just seems like i am the type who kept my true feeling and sometimes burried what i want to talk in the deepest of my heart, just because i am afraid i’ll hurt the others. Seems nice, but it makes you sick, when you do it too much and it feels s*cks when you hold the words that you’ve should been talk.
That part of my self, maybe i should called it ‘afraid with people’s judge’?? I don’t know, maybe its because when i was young, i got so much advice from people around me, like i shoudn’t have doing this or that because if i do that then this people will bla-bla-bla. I heard it so much, thats why i always worried about people’s judge. Even sometimes it haunted me in a scary way. And then, i just could face palming my self in my mind and told me how stupid i am. T__T
Its almost the same with my hobby. I love reading and writing since i was little. I watched some Chinese/Taiwan (? i forgot) titled Huan Zhu Princess when i am in my early years of elementary school, i even start to write the story with my version and its reaching a fullschool notesbook page. LoL. _Its flashing up my memories, btw_.., after that, i wrote anything. Poetry, short story, i even tried to write a novel, once i sent my short story to a magz, but it didn’t win, but u know what? i found another story better then mine, but had the almost same topic with mine spread out in the magz after few episode of it.
Its continued until my high school. I got a crush in my first year off highshchool. Still writing, i have some short story written on my splitted book that i always brought to school. Then someday, i sat in the front row of the class. My crush was erasing the blackboard then found some poetic words written on it. He eyed it for a while then saying..
“Hish..trying to be poetic?” He said in an uncomfortable tone then erased the words totally. Eventhough thats not me who wrote the words, i somehow feeling a pang on my heart. LoL. Its funny if i rememebered it right now, but at that time it was affected me so much. I barely write after that. It feels like inspiration had stopped come to me. I feel like my ability (But I think its mostly my confidence) has starting to fade away.
I barely writing, but still, i write for 1 or two. But when i reached my second years, One of my bestfriend say something while looking at a writing (I forgot whether she looked at my writing or other’s ), then commented
“OMG, i feel shivered ( this words not meant in a nice way, but mocking way) if i read/ write something like this..” she said. and Dang!!! its more hard for me to write after that. Wuah.. its really stupid of me.
But Thanks God, Alhamdulillah.. i am back to writing world. 🙂
Because for me, i only realized now that i love writing so much. Even when i am in a stop-writing condition, i still can feel that i love it. I even becoming a little bit frustated when i want to write, but facing the difficulties to write it back then. Alhamdulillah, Thanks God,its cured now.
Because what? Writing is like a treatment for me, one of medicine to keep my self ‘healthy’. Taking over some of my burden. Because when i write, i can share my true feeling that can’t be shared with others with talking. I even can talk about my problem, blabbering about anything i want even when nobody cares around me. I can crying in front of my laptop while writing something, then feeling much better after that, after i spilled out my sadness. Writing throw away some of my negative feelings, making my head more positive and can think more clearly after that.
Writing is like i have a friend when i didn’t have even someone beside me. This last words a little bit sad, but somehow it feels right.
You can choose, people who read my writing, can choose whether they would like to ‘hear’ me through my writing or not, but its just be the same for me, because i can always tell about my feeling through my writing. Writing is like my words then.
Yeah..:) that was some part of me. Me. and Writing..